Because they are. They really, really are. They are so sexy it is UNBELIEVABLE.
On Friday last week I went to Stars on Ice - basically Sears says, "what if we all got some world champion figure skaters to amuse people by skating to modern songs?" Then they got it together and oh. My. Gosh. SO GOOOOD. Me, my mom, my grandma, and my aunt all went to see it and all three of them, having seen many Stars on Ice shows before, were so impressed... they all said that this was the best show that any of them had ever seen. This was my first one, but I don't doubt it. Since I promised Supreme Harem Master (on Friday.... OTL) that I would present her with the complete act lineup. Thank god for the (FIFTEEN DOLLAR WTF) program we got! (Even if you aren't the slightest bit interested in figure skating - which could probably only result from you never having seen it - read my descriptions just for the songs.) Just a warning, though... even without imbedded songs, this is going to be a seriously butt-long post. Okay, here we go!
ACT I (That's right, bitches, this show was so awesome it has to be divided into two acts.)
I Like It
The opening number involved the entire cast skating on, in glittery red costumes, and kicking butt in a huge mass of synchronized dancing, only on the ice, and in skates. LOOK HOW SEXY THEY ARE!
GOD DAMN THEM FOR LEAVING OUT MY TESSA AND SCOTT. But they were there.
Hold It Against Me (but not sung by Britney Spears - some dude I've never heard of sang it instead. Thank god.)
Shawn Sawyer skated to this, extremely attractively. Those girls that think pro basketball players/hockey players/[insert other random boring sport here] players are the hottest dudes on Earth? So not true. They have never seen guys figure skating, obviously, because they are HAWT but without being grossly muscular.
Nobody Knows
This number was skated by Sasha Cohen (Not Sacha Baron Cohen. Gross. A really adorable GIRL was figure skating. SASha. Not SACha.) without a single jump. It was REALLY beautiful and made me happy. (True, every song made me happy, but still.)
Harder, Faster, Better, Stronger
This one was one of my faves. Those of you who know who Jeffrey Buttle is, visualize him now. Those of you that don't (you poor things!), here's a picture of King Sexy.
Okay. Now, visualize Jeffrey Buttle! Now visualize him in some black leather. Now make that black leather look futuristic and technological by adding those shoulder thingies and some silver studs. Now picture him popping his pelvis forward multiple times. Guys, once you've recovered from retching, and girls, once you've recovered from swooning, listen to the song. Just please do. This was SO GOOD. Damn he's flexible. If he wasn't a skater, he would have been a dancer. I wish he hadn't retired from competitive skating so soon, but at least we can still watch him in shows like this.
I Want To Hold Your Hand
This was a really sweet number skated by Tessa Virtue and Scott Moir. Even if you AREN'T a fan of figure skating, you should know who these two are. If you're a total loser and don't know who I'm talking about, then please feast your eyes on the picture below, which is much appreciated by men and women alike. Feel free to stare for a few minutes. Believe me, I did. :D
Although they aren't together as a couple, it's really hard to believe when watching them skate. Their chemistry is just incredible, and even though they aren't the current world champions, I believe that they're the best ice dancers in the world. (Ice dancers, not pair skaters. The difference is that pairs do jumps and stuff, while ice dancing is basically dancing on the ice and doing fancy lifts and stuff.) I mean, if you have personally invented and entirely new lift with your partner, there's no way that you aren't the absolute best. (Plus, they won the Olympics, which is way bigger than Worlds anyway.) Just so you know, the lift is called the Canadian Goose, and it looks like this:
That's them at the Olympics, by the way, winning gold. Actually, if you didn't watch them at the Olympics... you know what, even if you DID watch them kick major ass at the Games last year, watch them now. Seriously. There is not a person on the planet who would not get some enjoyment out of watching it, if only to creep on Tessa's behind. (Yes, Colombian Rice Eater, I'm looking at you.) Go here, and watch it in fullscreen and HD, or I will hunt you down and gut you like a fish. (You don't have to listen to the commentary afterwards... just watch the videos.) Here's their original dance and here's the free dance, which the picture above was taken from. The free dance is still some of the most amazing figure skating I've seen in my life. THEY ARE SO GOOD DEAR LORDEH.
On Golden Pond
Another really sweet, ballet-esque song, with Jeffrey Buttle, Kyoko Ina, Evan Lysacek, Jamie Sale, and David Pelletier. They performed it really well.
Steppin' Out of my Mind
Lololol. Kurt Browning is such a legend... what a champ. I COULD describe it to you... but why would I describe one of my favorite performances when I could just... link you to the actual performance? *cue Supreme Harem Master squealing with joy* lololol. This guy is amazing. The song is Steppin' Out With My Baby, but Kurt added a lot of voice-over to the song, that is supposedly what he's thinking. The last thing he 'thinks' as he skates off is just PRICELESS. It's a great performance! Love this guy.
True Colours
Joannie Rochette skated to this song, but it's sung by Cyndi Lauper, and I REALLY don't like her voice, so I'm not linking it to you. HA! But Joannie did a great job. Here's a picture of her because she's pretty!
I watched her performance when she wore that a couple years ago, by the way. *bragbragbrag*
Wild Horses
I wasn't a huge fan of this song either, I confess. XD Although Jamie Sale and David Pelletier did a good job of skating to it.
El Tango de Roxanne
Evan Lysacek skated to this, proving that he, too, can be very sexy when he wants to be. Even listening to the song makes you think of sexy people dancing to this in sexy clothes. A great skate to a great song!
Knock, Knock!
See, I would post the link to this song, only it doesn't actually exist. It's a mixture of different songs by different artists, so there's nothing to link to. I can tell you about the performance, though, which was BEAUTIFUL. Everyone was dressing up like it was the 50s, and even their skates were looking like those funny black-and-white shoes... I think they're called saddlebacks? and they had socks folded over the tops. SO 50s. They were really cute. Suddenly, at the end, someone knocks on the door... Oh, and here are their costumes!
CUE INTERMISSION.
Me: fffffffffffffffffuuuuuuuuuuuuu
Who's There?
The show's return had Evan Lysacek skate in like a rock star - literally. He was a greaser in a leather jacket, and they all had some fun with getting back in the groove.
Love the Way You Lie (click on it - it's not the gross version with the gross rapping, but it's JUST Rihanna. Hallelujah! It's actually pretty impressive.)
Kyoko Ina skated to this, but in all honesty, I was too busy appreciating how perty Rihanna's voice is (without gross rapping in between the chorus she sings) to really pay attention to the skating. :D
Party in the Park
This was ADORABLE. Kurt Browning, Sasha Cohen, and David Pelletier skated this cute little number. They were dressed up in a classic 1930s tramp look, and Sasha was being pursued by both of the men. She carried around a big red helium balloon. At the end, she leaned it to kiss Kurt... then she leaned in to kiss David on her other side... and then she skated backwards and... well, you can guess what happened. :D Their reactions were priceless. XD Completely classic.
Working for the Weekend
This was another one of my faves. Shawn Sawyer did a FANTASTIC job on this. He starts out typing madly on this imaginary typewriter in front of them, but after a few seconds, the song starts and he ROCKS OUT. He was wearing a lime green shirt with a purple tie and looked fantastic. Right at the beginning, he grabbed this briefcase, put it on the ice, and as he was skating, lay down on top of it and slid across the entire rink, before standing up and swinging it around. It was just one fluid movement: skate set it down lie down stand up keep skating. It was EPIC. At the very end he sat down at his imaginary typewriter again, and we heard an alarm beeping as the song ended... and poor Shawn was back to work at his typewriter.
Show Me How You Burlesque
This was amazing. After a little while of jiving with the sexy cane, she handed it off to Shawn Sawyer, still in his ridiculously sexy outfit from the skate right before hers.It made me so incredible happy.
Enigma
Jeffrey Buttle being sexy to some very pretty music. Focused more on Jeffrey than on what he was doing... :D Couldn't find a good link for this one. Feel free to search.
Mein Herr
Sasha Cohen skating in this awesome little outfit...
... about why she's a player and does not want to continue her relationship with "Mein Herr." This amused me greatly.
The Climb (but NOT, thank god, but Miley Cyrus. It's sung by a man with a very attractive voice. WOOHOO!)
Evan Lysacek skated this. Dum dee doo da... No link, sorry!
Temptation/Mujer Latina
Man. MAN OH MAN. Tessa, girl, can you ever DANCE! This is basically what they skated at the world championships, only she wore pink, and they did it even better. Just look at how she moves in the first few seconds! Her flexibility is INCREDIBLE! (By the way, it links to the video of them doing the skate, if you hadn't figured that out yet.) Seriously, these two pwn.
Downstream
Kurt Browning did this one too. Very nice, very sweet. GIVE ME CANDY!
Let's Go Crazy
Jamie Sale and David Pelletier rocking out, in black glitter and purple.
The Best
The finale. AWESOME. Here, have a buttshot of the entire cast!
Yo, Katrina, I'm really happy for you and I'mma let you finish, but Moulin Rouge had the best "El Tango de Roxanne" number of all time! OF ALL TIME!!
ReplyDeleteAh I went to this too :D
ReplyDeleteIt was actually really, really amazing. I really enjoyed the bald guy, I forget his name xD
You went to this? REALLEH? Kurt Browning was the baldie.
ReplyDelete